If there was one thing my student Joey wanted everyone to remember from his bar mitzvah, it was this: the Red Sox are the greatest baseball team in the world.
This theme was clear from the moment his loved ones filed into the synagogue, when they were met by a large poster—Joey in cartoon form, swinging a baseball bat and asking everyone to sign their well-wishes. Joey led his service wrapped in his Red Sox tallit and delivered a sports-themed d’var Torah, before a kiddush where guests chowed down on cake depicting Joey beaming beside the Red Sox mascots. Whatever baseball allegiances guests emerged with that day (I, for one, grew up in New York…), one thing was undeniable: Joey’s bar mitzvah left everyone with a true sense of who he is.
Everyone has meaningful Torah to share. Whether they can share it in front of loved ones during their bar, bat, or b-mitzvah depends on two things: First, that community supports enable them to access meaningful Jewish learning, and second, that this community embraces them for who they are—strengths, passions, and challenges included.
The concept that environments for children should be “neurodivergent-affirming” has gained traction in recent years.
A neurodivergent-affirming setting is structured to recognize and value the ways neurodivergent individuals, such as those with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurological differences, experience the world.
Many educational settings, even ones considered inclusive, expect neurodivergent children to conform. For example, a therapist might emphasize making eye contact during conversations as a sign of attention and respect. However, for many Autistic children, maintaining eye contact can be overwhelming and uncomfortable. In Hebrew school, students may be expected to remain seated even if they learn better when allowed to move around. In contrast, a neurodivergent-affirming approach adapts the environment to meet each person’s needs.
The Gateways B’nei Mitzvah Program is a wonderful example of what’s possible when a neurodivergent-affirming environment meets effective supports.
The B’nei Mitzvah Program, designed for neurodivergent students and those with other disabilities, has enabled over 100 students across Jewish denominations to celebrate this fundamental milestone. As I’ve witnessed firsthand, the impact of this program for families like Joey’s has been profound.
Joey is a kid who lights up a room the moment he walks in. Outgoing, curious, and chatty, he thrives on connection, always eager to share laughs or break out a game. His passion for sports, especially baseball, is infectious. During class breaks at Gateways, Joey can usually be found enthusiastically kicking some kind of ball around the hallway, chatting animatedly with friends. Joey’s energy seems boundless; sitting still for long periods can be challenging, and he does best when he’s free to take movement breaks and when he has visual supports, like a visual schedule.
When Joey’s parents approached us about joining our B’nei Mitzvah Program, we knew that, with some intentional planning and collaboration, we could make Joey’s bar mitzvah unforgettable.
We always start by telling families: early planning for a neurodivergent-affirming b-mitzvah can be an exercise in accepting the unknown.
How much of the service will the student lead? For how long will they stay focused? What will their d’var torah look like? We encourage families to embrace this uncertainty by focusing on their central visions and goals and then adopting a flexible attitude about adjusting other elements of the service.
For Joey, our goal was for him to feel engaged, ideally on the bimah (pulpit), for the duration of his service. We aimed for him to learn to decode Hebrew, agreeing to set a relaxed pace even if it meant him leading fewer prayers. Centering this goal helped everyone on Joey’s team, including his parents, Gateways educators, and the clergy at Temple Beth Shalom (TBS) in Needham, Massachusetts, have a flexible attitude about adjusting other elements of the service. “We’d love for [Joey] to learn to do whatever it is he CAN do, (whether that’s decoding or reading a little Hebrew or not),” Joey’s parents wrote to me. “We want the bar mitzvah to feel authentic, Jewish, and like a bar mitzvah, but designed to highlight Joey’s abilities, rather than highlight what he can’t do.”
This philosophy guided us as we brainstormed plans A, B, C, and D and built supports tailored to Joey. To adapt to Joey’s energy, we kept the service around 30 minutes and cut parts like silent prayers that wouldn’t engage him. We created a visual schedule for Joey to track the progress of the service.
The bar mitzvah we planned for Joey was a simcha built for him—not one he had to fit into.
service helped Joey focus and
keep track of his progress.
Our plan not only accommodated Joey’s needs, but, crucially, it also celebrated his individuality. It Joey loves music, so we worked his favorite tunes into the service. For Joey’s d’var Torah, Senior TBS Rabbi Todd Markley created a photo slideshow of Joey meeting his favorite sports players and connected the rules outlined in the Torah portion to the rules of sports. Then, Joey got the opportunity to share his extensive knowledge about each athlete with his community.
“At TBS, it is part of our routine practice to make adjustments to the B. Mitzvah experience to meet the needs of the young adult we’re celebrating,” commented Rabbi Markley. “It was a special treat to get to do that with Joey, his family, and our partners at Gateways. I felt it a particular privilege and joy to highlight all that is most radiant about Joey, his passions, and the Torah he has to share.”
Of course, preparing for Joey’s bar mitzvah wasn’t all smooth sailing; it required dedication and intentionality as we tested and tweaked strategies that would embrace Joey’s learning style and profile.
At Gateways, Joey worked with a teen volunteer to practice prayers, guided by our team of educational specialists. We incorporated breaks, allowed Joey to move around while he learned, and brought sports into his learning materials. Unlike typical b’nei mitzvah rehearsals, which often involve only brief student practice, Joey had three run-throughs in the temple sanctuary that closely mimicked the actual service, with a small audience in attendance.
When Joey stepped onto the bimah for his bar mitzvah, he showed his community exactly who he is.
When his bar mitzvah day arrived, Joey shone. He beamed with pride as he took his place on the bimah, leading his community in song and prayer. He held his head high as he marched around the sanctuary during the Torah processional, greeting everyone excitedly.
“Even though he is not a fluent reader, with Gateways’ support, he was able to lead with confidence and ease. We are so proud of him,” said Joey’s mom. “The Bar Mitzvah was so uniquely Joey.”
We learn from Proverbs 22:6: “Educate the child according to their way and they will not swerve from it even in old age.” As Jewish communities, we must create opportunities for all children to share their unique Torah—their passions, wisdom, and perspectives. Embracing neurodiversity and fostering an environment that celebrates each child’s individuality isn’t just a meaningful way to mark the milestone of Jewish adulthood, it’s essential. Author Brené Brown writes, “The opposite of belonging is fitting in… True belonging never asks us to change who we are, it demands that we be who we are.” Our Jewish communities and families are stronger, more abundant, and truer to the values we hold dear when every child is affirmed and valued for being exactly who they are.
About the Author
Tali Cohen Carrus
Tali is the Senior Director of Programs at Gateways. She is passionate about inclusive Jewish education and has worked with youth with and without disabilities in a variety of contexts including schools, synagogues, and summer camps. She has worked extensively as a disability inclusion consultant, partnering with Jewish organizations to improve their capacity to support and meaningfully include all members of the community. Tali holds an M.S.Ed in General and Special Education from Bank Street Graduate School and is a certified DIR/Floortime play therapist. In addition, she received a certificate in Advanced Jewish Studies/Day School Education from the Pardes Center for Jewish Educators and is an alumna of the Wexner Graduate Fellowship/Davidson Scholarship.